A Long Date at Camp Blood
by Merickson
Summary: In horrifying screenplay format.


EXT. CRYSTAL LAKE WOODS - NIGHT

JASON VOORHEES sits on an old, rickety wooden bench, his  
machete stabbed into the ground next to him. As he reads  
"Dictionary of American Hand Tools" by the light of the moon,  
he sticks a Twizzler into one of the mouth-area holes of his  
hockey mask and bites the end off.

His head jerks to attention at the approaching sound of  
people talking. Pulling his machete from the ground, he  
scrambles to his feet and hurries to hide among the trees and  
bushes behind the bench.

A man and a woman, GREG and KELLY, emerge from a clearing,  
followed by another man and woman, NATE and STACIE. They are  
all 19-year-olds in hiking gear. Nate and Stacie make out  
with each other as they walk.

GREG  
Look, this part of the path is all  
overgrown. Maybe they hid it here.

KELLY  
I thought you knew the exact  
location.

Nate pulls his face away from Stacie's.

NATE  
Well I think this exact location is  
a good one for gettin' it on!

Nate gropes Stacie.

STACIE  
(giggling)  
I thought we were going to find the  
hidden hippie weed first.

Jason spies on the group from his hiding spot, gripping the  
handle of his machete.

NATE  
I don't care anymore. We've been  
going around in circles.

KELLY  
Nate's right, Greg. You know, if  
you've forgotten where it is, I  
really don't think Nate and Stacie  
would mind. They'd just scamper  
off together anyway.

NATE  
That is very correct, Kelly.

KELLY  
And then we'd be alone with each  
other.

GREG  
Uh...well...

Kelly slowly reaches a hand out for one of Greg's.

KELLY  
So what do you say?

Before she can make contact, he raises both hands in  
surrender.

GREG  
Okay, okay, I have a confession to  
make. I didn't bring you all out  
here to hunt for a secret weed  
stash.

KELLY  
Wait, what?

NATE  
I knew it! We're having an orgy!

STACIE  
An orgy?!

Jason raises his machete.

GREG  
No, not that either.

Jason lowers his machete.

GREG  
We've been going in circles because  
I've been looking for the right  
place where I can tell you...the  
horrific legend of Jason Voorhees.

KELLY  
You...brought us out here to tell  
us a campfire story?

GREG  
Well, I forgot the campfire, but  
join me on that bench over there  
and I'll still tell you the  
terrifying tale...if you dare!

Greg heads toward the bench.

KELLY  
(humoring him)  
Ohh-kay, sure thing.

Kelly turns to Stacie.

KELLY  
(hushed)  
Why'd you set me up with this guy?!

STACIE  
(hushed)  
You're the one who wanted a rebound  
date after you broke up with  
Johnny. Just go with it.

Nate nuzzles Stacie's neck.

NATE  
I heard scary stories are a great  
aphrodisiac.

KELLY  
Fine.

Kelly turns and joins Greg on the bench as he digs through  
his backpack.

KELLY  
All right, big boy, thrill me.

Greg takes out a flashlight, turns it on and shines it under  
his face.

GREG  
Once upon a time in the 1950s...

Kelly shoots an annoyed glare at Stacie, who gives a thumbs  
up as she and Nate make out.

GREG  
...there was this kid named Jason  
Voorhees. And he drowned in the  
very lake that we are near right  
now. And it was the '50s, so they  
just left his body there.

Jason's attention focuses on Nate and Stacie as they get down  
on the ground and grope each other.

KELLY  
Is that so.

GREG  
His mom got mad at the counselors  
at the old summer camp because they  
were supposed to be watching him,  
so she killed a bunch of them.  
Then one of the counselors chopped  
her head off. But it turned out  
Jason was alive, so he killed that  
counselor and started haunting  
these very woods.

KELLY  
(dismissively)  
Well, gee, that sure was a scary  
sto-

GREG  
Then he killed a ton of people over  
like a three or four-day period.  
Eventually he was killed by a kid  
who slammed a machete into the side  
of his head.

KELLY  
Oh, okay. So I guess we're  
actually safe from -

GREG  
Then when that kid grew up he  
accidentally brought Jason back to  
life with lightning.

KELLY  
Oh for godsakes.

GREG  
That was after a copycat killer,  
though.

KELLY  
Uh-huh.

GREG  
Then he fought a psychic girl and  
went to Manhattan where he was  
dissolved by toxic waste.

KELLY  
That pesky toxic waste. Hey Greg,  
see Nate and Stacie over there?

Nate pulls his shirt off as Stacie unbuttons hers.

GREG  
Yeah?

Kelly scoots closer to Greg.

KELLY  
They giving you any ideas?

GREG  
You're right. All that exposed  
skin is definitely going to need  
some bug spray.

He puts down the flashlight and goes for his backpack again.

KELLY  
No - just...is this damn story  
over yet?

GREG  
Well, after that he possessed some  
people and went to Hell.

Nate starts sliding Stacie's bra off.

Jason starts raising his machete.

GREG  
But Freddy Krueger released him  
from Hell. Then he killed Freddy  
Krueger. Now, Freddy Krueger was a  
guy in Ohio who -

Nate and Stacie immediately turn to Greg, Stacie pulling her  
bra back on.

NATE/STACIE  
Hey, wait a minute!

Jason's machete-wielding arm freezes in position. He cocks  
his head.

STACIE  
What happened between the toxic  
waste part and the possessing  
people part?

NATE  
Yeah, there's a big continuity  
question in your story, Greg.

KELLY  
Oh goddamn it!

Jason lowers his machete and throws his head back in  
frustration.

GREG  
That's a good point.

Greg pulls a thick stack of papers from his backpack.

GREG  
I've outlined some theories  
regarding -

Kelly knocks the papers out of Greg's hands.

KELLY  
No more! All I wanted was a fun  
night out after my breakup!  
(sighing)  
I could really use that weed right  
now.

NATE  
It's always important to fix plot  
holes, Kelly.

Stacie starts buttoning her shirt.

STACIE  
That's right. How can we stay  
turned on when there's a glaring  
gap in the timeline?

NATE  
Yeah, definitely no sex until we  
get this figured out.

Jason facepalms.

GREG  
Maybe we did need the campfire.

Kelly holds her head in her hands.

KELLY  
This is so dumb.

GREG  
I know. I'm sorry for my shaky  
narrative structure.

Greg opens a beer bottle, the sound causing Jason to perk up.

KELLY  
Wait, where'd you get beer?

GREG  
I had it.

Jason excitedly readies his machete.

KELLY  
This whole time?!

GREG  
Yeah. Wanna swig?

KELLY  
Gimme that!

Kelly grabs the bottle and begins guzzling it, prompting  
Jason to charge out at the group.

GREG  
It's Jason!

NATE  
Oh shit!

STACIE  
Oh no! Are we gonna die?!

GREG  
I guess so!

Kelly spits out the beer.

KELLY  
Hold on, this is root beer!

Jason stops dead in his tracks.

KELLY  
What the hell, Greg?!

GREG  
What? I'm not gonna get drunk and  
stumble around the woods at night.  
It's dangerous.

Jason groans to the sky in exasperation. The group watches  
as he stomps over to a tree, punches into it with his fist,  
pulls out a big bag of marijuana, throws it on Kelly's lap,  
and then storms away.

Everyone sits in silence for a moment.

GREG  
So...after the toxic waste melted  
him, he possibly turned back into a  
kid, but that might have been  
someone's hallucination.

Jason returns, approaching Kelly. She flinches as he swings  
his machete and slices open the bag of weed. He reaches in  
and takes some before trudging off again.

EXT. LARGE BUILDING - BORDER OF WOODS - NIGHT

Jason lumbers out of the woods with pot smoke billowing from  
his mask, a joint sticking out of one of the holes over his  
mouth. He holds up a sheet of cardboard with "i saRRaNdaR"  
scrawled on it as he makes his way toward a building, passing  
a sign that reads "Crystal Lake Research Facility - Opening  
June 13, 2008."

THE END


End file.
